Whiny Stuff: May 2009 Archives

So I got this letter today from the “Fairview Property Tax Recovery, L.L.C.” letting me know that I “might” be eligible for a property tax refund for the last four years, and that they would help me at “no charge” unless a refund was received, in which case they would take 1/3 (33%) (not in quotes).

That was bad enough, but looking at the paper I noticed that many of the more important phrases "(“If you do not receive a refund, you pay nothing”) were printed in light green, whereas all the important stuff (like, "you agree to pay”) was in standard black.  So they could easily photocopy the form and claim that you had agreed to something you didn’t, and that you had signed a contract with a totally different company.  (Yes, every time their name appears on the form, it’s in easily replaceable light green, as well as their address – and for that matter, their BBB symbol.)

Who would fall for this?

How could this NOT raise huge red flags in your common sense?  (or even light green ones?)  In fact, it’s completely obvious from the way the letter is printed that a) it’s a form and not a document they created themselves and b) they have in the past put a different name in there because c) whoever printed this copy didn’t pay attention to the alignment of the company name and the rest of the text.

Cheesy.  Stupid.  Who would fall for this?

Why am I not in this racket?  Oh, that’s right, I wasn’t raised by bottom feeding scum-suckers and I don’t prey on the weak-minded or the disadvantaged.

1. I have an extremely pleasant phone voice.  I can go from soothing/maternal to phone sex hot in about one sentence.  Unfortunately, I work in tech support and this occasionally leads callers to think they've misdialed or that a woman can't answer their technical questions.  I can also be incredibly sarcastic, condescending, and rude in ten words or less.
2. I swear a lot.  Usually when no one can hear me.  Almost never in the office.
3. I'm disturbed by small rodents, up to the size of squirrels.  My life's goal is to introduce natural, wolfy predators into my suburb so that they can kill all the squirrels and some raccoons.  Maybe a few unattended babies too.  Alternately, I could just introduce some English chefs to kill and eat all the squirrels.
4. I have a terrible and inappropriate sense of humor.  Final Destination was a non-stop comedy to me.  Dumb and Dumber was just torture.  My sense of humor apparently lives right next door to my sense of terror.  Go fig.
5. I turn into a lifeless sponge when cut off from caffeine.  I turn into a spastic lunatic when cut off from the Internet.  I also untangle knots in chains and thread for fun.
6. I read incredibly fast.  I didn't know that there was a way to read slower (did you know that most people read at the same speed that they speak?) and I still can't figure out why other people take so long to read things.  According to a nifty speed-reading test I just took, I read about 900 wpm with 100% comprehension.  I also read a lot.  I read the back of cereal boxes.  I read a lot of pulp fiction.  I also read software agreements.  And I can read and walk at the same time without (usually) walking into things or people - it's usually people behaving oddly that screws me up - I see them coming so I plan my path but they think I can't see them so they move.
7. I make stuff up all the time.  Literally.  I just made up another short story right now.  But I never write it out in a proper format.  So instead I have scribbled pages that to me bring up an entire short story, but to other people make no sense.  I should get some dictation software and tell stories to my computer.
8. I really want to get married and have kids, but I hate people.  I'm not sure how that's going to work.
9. I love old patterns.  Sewing, knitting, crochet, I love them all.  I collect them, read them, then try to follow them and end up improvising because I can't understand their crazy.  But mostly I just love the old illustrations ("It's NYLON!  It's NYLON!  It's NYLON!").  I also love old ads – like the ones where the doctors are recommending various brands of cigarettes to “nervous” women.  What? You’ve never seen those? You’re missing out!
10. I have another phobia that’s so bad I don’t even like to tell people what it is because I’m afraid (irrationally, I know) that they’ll bring it up just to see me freak out.  As an addendum to item 1, I can almost shatter glass with my screams.

Why can’t I make hats?  Or at least, hats for other people?  Other people in different states whose heads I can’t measure?

Every attempt at making a hat for my mom has failed, and she loves hats, so this disturbs me.  I apparently have a bigger head/like my hats looser than she does, so using my poofy head doesn’t work.  I tried an actual measurement, but then screwed up on the increases/decreases (it was a beret) and ended up with a head devouring mushroom – but the brim was the right size.

Is it because I secretly dislike hats?  Is it because hats are insanely boring?  Or is it just because I only have my own head to use and my head is not yarn-based hat friendly?  Well that’s not true, because the lovely doily-based beret that I made for myself came out just fine.  Hrmmmm… mystery.