Girly Stuff: September 2008 Archives

Dear Idiot College Kid From Skokie Who Ruined My Ride on the Purple Line to Linden on 9/10,

I'm going to use a bulleted list because, well, you're stupid.  This may help drum these important points home for you:

• There's no fucking N in Kirkegaard.  NONE.  You sounded like such a jackass every time you said his name, it was unbelievable.  When I realized you were holding your college textbook the entire time you were mangling his name, I was stunned speechless.
• Beethoven is considered a genius because his music appeals to the basis of humanity, i.e., his music mimics the sources of humanity.  His most famous motif is based on the human heartbeat.  Even tone-deaf people appreciate his rhythms.  Don't talk about shit you don't know, unless you're trying to lose the argument.  Also, your friends are all morons.
• You're seriously studying to be a lawyer?  You couldn't argue your way out of a fucking wet paper bag.  Again, you had the book in front of you, and you couldn't explain Kirkegaard's authorship phenomenon properly.  Worse, you couldn't come up with any good reasons why the Holocaust was bad.  Seriously.  Kill yourself.  "Because of suffering."  You're a joke, and not a good one.
• Also, what the hell were you wearing?  Is that some kind of Skokie fashion?  What the fuck were with those pants?  Do you not have a mirror at home, or does it just lie to you all the time?
• Back to your insanely stupid conversation, the reason that Kirkegaard wrote all those articles from different viewpoints was to control and direct the discussion regarding his articles.  By preempting the controversy that his articles were going to generate, he made anyone else who wanted to argue for or against his viewpoints seem to be following his already published works.  Kirkegaard could present and competently argue both sides of his positions, something you should learn.  Idiot.  You couldn't even argue the one side.

In conclusion, you're a goddamn moron.

I'm trying not to think about it.  The best thing I can remember is falling madly in love with Tony Blair because he was such a charismatic leader, and so utterly reassuring.  Not like our leader at the time, who blustered and bumbled and hid like a scared dog.  Rudy Guiliani was pretty awesome too, but his voice just doesn't do it for me.

The worst thing I remember was that my telephone company at the time hadn't cashed my check yet, and they had stopped my long distance.  I called them in an almost tearful panic, begging that they take whatever they wanted out of my checking account, if only they would let me call my mother and make sure she was okay.  The very very nice person (more blessings on your soul!) just asked for the number and connected me.  She hadn't left for work yet, and didn't go in until the next day (she was a nurse, and consequently spent two straight days at the hospital).

The funniest thing I remember is that I had the support phone, and at least two people called to ask why they couldn't get to the New York server.  I told them to turn on the television and ask that again.  Well, I said it more politely.  But not much more politely.  It was quite a shock to the little self-absorbed fucktards to realize that what happens in the outside world has an impact on their petty little lives.  Also, I got the day off because all skyscrapers and government buildings were closed.  If I recall correctly, I went down to the lake shore with a friend and read Barbara Cartland romance novels in a bistro and waited for idiots to call.

I never took a family beach vacation to the Jersey Shore, but I did go there with my Brownie troop. It was a looong drive from suburban New York but it was FUN. We waved at truckers, stared at long freight trains, and of course ended up on the Boardwalk and went to the waterpark. At the time, I didn't realize that it was Morey's Piers, one of the largest resorts in Wildwood NJ. I just knew it was a big thing and I was scared of all the water, but the carousel was AMAZING (still is my favorite ride). I also like Bumper cars.  And the kiddie tea cups - just not right after eating!

The food was fantastic, too.  Curly fries, those big sugar covered things, freshly made pretzels... YUM.  Probably not the healthiest choices, but your inner kid deserves it.  Trust me.

If you're too far away to drive there and back, they do have hotels and motels so you can stay overnight (a great date with a serious boyfriend, by the way) and it's not horribly expensive.  Sadly, there is no train to Wildwood but they do have lots of parking.  If you're looking for a fun and not outrageously expensive family vacation in the NY/NJ Metropolitan area, I suggest a good old-fashioned trip to the Jersey Shore.  Check out the specials at Morey's Piers - a different one for every day of the week, and also some great events - and have a great time!

Well, she's not MY teen, but one of my little (I mean younger, she's way taller than I am) cousins asked my help in finding and accessorizing a Halloween costume.  Her friends are having a vampire party, so the theme is to dress up in any old fashioned period outfit, and stick on some fangs.

Is there a word for 'a gathering of vampires?'

All of my little cousins and my niece and nephew have learned an appreciation for dressing up funny.  Not just for Halloween either, but that certainly is a good excuse.  Nothing beats dressing up in medieval garb, then 1) going to McDonald's and demanding to see the clan leader in a thick Celtic accent (when they stopped laughing, they took pictures and gave us apple pies) and then 2) going to Burger King and demanding an audience with the King (they gave us crowns and toys to make us go away).

Enough about me, back to my little cousin and her search for Teen Halloween Costumes.  She can't decide what time period to dress up in, and I'm too lazy to make her a costume on such short (and distant) notice.  She wants to wear either a Marie Antoinette style dress, or maybe something from the 50's because she thinks teenybopper vampires are very funny.  I sent her to this place out of all the online Halloween Costume Stores I found to look through their conveniently teen-sized costume collection for ideas.  They are also reasonably priced, and offer fast (and free) shipping so she will have time to make up her mind.